I like my life to fit into a nice little box. A series of boxes actually. I have this idea that life should work a certain way. Feel a certain way. And when life doesn’t fit into my neat little boxes, I get grumpy. To be honest, I’ve been going through what I’ve called a funk. Can’t really think of a cool way to describe a funk.
I will describe a little of what I’ve felt and gone through.
Remember the boxes I mentioned? Well, I feel like my boxes have been turned over. Dumped out. Emptied. I’d try to clean up the mess but nothing seemed to work. Clean one up and 2 more would fall off the shelf. Try to catch my breath only to notice one box is leaking. Clean up the mess! Refill another box only to have the bottom fall out. Nothing seemed to work. I thought I was working hard to fix my boxes but all it got me was feeling tired and frustrated.
What does this look like in real life?
Trying to communicate with your wife but the words don’t seem to work. Trying to talk with your kids and all you seem to get are blank stares or arguments. Desperately holding onto any routine or habit – not because it works but its all you know. The habit may not work at all. But you feel stuck. I felt stuck. I felt as though I could see the answers to my problems…but they were just out of arms reach. That drives me crazy.
Juli and I stepped back from a lot of our involvement in Church things. We were so dang busy. We still are. But something had to give. The changes messed with me. I think there was a part of me that needed to be stupid busy. As if my busyness was connected to God’s acceptance of me. When we stopped some of the activity I noticed feeling depressed. I felt broken.
This just isn’t a good place to live in.
I felt like the wind had stopped blowing in my sails. I didn’t have a lot of desire to do much of anything. I wouldn’t say that I was running from God…but I didn’t feel like spending a lot of time with Him. As a Christian, there is a temptation to live life with a lot of rules. I bought into that big time. I would have made a good Pharisee. Rules, rules & more rules. Rules for the rules. How to keep the rules and what rules to follow when the rules are broken.
It is exhausting.
I don’t have any feel good answers to offer. Some of you may relate to this. I can’t say I’m completely out of this funk. Not quite yet. But I’m getting there. I know that I have to change some bad habits. How I see God. How I relate to God. Letting God in all of my boxes. I logically know that God loves me. But living out that truth is another thing.
Because if I lived like I KNOW that God loves me unconditionally – then I wouldn’t hold onto the rules like I do. So I am choosing to trust that God really does have a plan for my life and that He will get me there. He has a plan for my marriage & my boys. But I have to trust Him. I can’t relate to God through rules and obligation.
This post may not be all rainbows and unicorns – but I’m pretty sure that we aren’t promised that anyway. Thanks for reading.